I used to be a mom and a wife. Now I don't know who or what I am. When I'm not doing well, I just want to be alone. I hate feeling like this. I alleinate all the people in my life whether I mean to or not. It is very hurtful and depressing to see my husband living his daily life, coming and going all the while, I just try to be. I want to be the smiling, happy wife who greets him when he gets home with a warm kiss and a nice dinner. I want to have something to even talk about. What is there for me to talk about? My problems, that's it. That's my life on these long and lonely days. I try not to moan and complain because I don't want to bring everyone down. But like I said, what else is there to talk about? So rather, I choose to be queit which in end, pushes people away. I've spent my day trying to be a little productive around the house. Laundry, cleaning and if I'm lucky, I've made something for dinner. I hope our marriage can survive this hideous bug. As hard as we may try, we may forget the people we were together, before all this. I have a lot of faith in my husband and know he loves me so deep down. He has and is willing to sacrifice anything to see me better. I hope he remembers who I used to be, long enough for me to get there.
I feel the worst guilt for my kids. My oldest daughter has just graduated high school with great grades. I had always told her that if she worked hard and did well, I would give her a nice vehicle for graduation. Well now things have changed. There isn't a penny left, after all the supplements, dr. bills, travel, labs, tests, pills, books and etc. I know she understands but it breaks my heart none the less. I want to have fun and celebrate with her! Not mope around and try to "put on the face". My younger kids are resilient but yet I am no fun anymore so I feel them becoming distant. It's almost like they distance themselves as self protection on the what if's. What if mommy dies? (like daddy did). This is horrible. I used to play, hike and take the kids on adventures that we always had so much fun talking about. Now I do nothing. I am irritable and snappy at them. Any noise made by our kid's happy laughter make my ear drums vibrate and my head hurt. This is unbearable. I just want to be a mommy again.
Part of my reason for this journal is so I can remember what this hell has been like. I know my mind is absent these days and the remainder will block out the unpleasant memories. But I want to remember this time. I want to remember so I may continue to be thankful for those good times and not take them for granted. I want to know that my family loved me through these dark times and remember to appreciate them even more.
Though my battle is only just begining, I am thinking positive. It won't be bad for long, I'll start progressing! It's hard on days like these. If it wasn't for my family and my love for life, I don't know if I could bare it. It's like slow torture.
Well, I've had my pity party, time to get off the pott. Tomorrow is a new day and a new battle and with some rest, perhaps I can get through it!
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