And then there's always that thread you are hanging by...

I had some great days. Was making some progress, taking longer and longer walks and for the most part, seeing progress. Now although I've only taken a few doses of my new herbal med's, I think my body was healing and recovering from the terrible crashes. I am taking it slow, just one drop every other day because my body is too weak. So about three days ago, my stomach started again. I've had bouts like this before but this was bad. Burning so intense about 4 inches below my chest bone and would radiate out both sides. My heart palps got bad here too. After two nights of no sleep and crying in pain for hours I finally went down and saw a doc at the ER. As can be expected, they were of no help. I was concerned that I had an ulcer and it could be bleeding. Well it was either an ulcer or gastritis. I've been drinking aloe juice and it is finally starting to heal up. Appetite and feeling sick. Almost down to 100 lbs through this and I'm getting nervous, my body doesn't have any left to spare. Today, my body is recovering from the stress, pain and lack of sleep. I haven't taken any of my supplements, vitamins or herbs for days. Starting back today, but not with the meds yet. This morning, again crushing fatigue but after a long nap, a little improved. Burning spine and migraines...have had a little reprieve from these but here they are back again! Is it any surprize that it's a full moon? Or that my hormones are ramping up again? I prayed to God that he would heal my insides and ease my suffering and so it is. My tummy is healing and my ovaries have stopped hurting. I don't like to pray for myself because I feel selfish but I've read so much that God loves all his children. In my darkest moments of suffering, I cry out to God for help. I don't know if I would stay here if I didn't have that and knowing God was there. The torture is sure to make anyone want to take there own life :'-( If it wasn't for my family or for God's love, I'm not sure I would be strong enough to carry on. There's always hope though...I am feeling better than yesterday and even better than this morning, so will cling to progress. And keep on trying. Get up and do it again, try to build up my strength, try to quit smoking! Try Try Try until you get there.

Time

I was just thinking, I used to have so many things to do and not enough time. Now I have so much time and yet can't do anything. 9 long months of my life. Since I got sick on November 1st, 2012 nothing has been the same. I've been through hell it seems. Not much of a summer and spending time with the kids. I'm thankful for the little moments here and there where I felt good enough to "ride" along for family adventures. To few and far between. The better part of August was lost to bed. Once I started the GSE with the zithro, I crashed hard. My head was vibrating inside but I pushed through three days of these meds wanting so desperately to take the stuff that was going to eradicate this illness. Then I stopped. I was too tired to breath, move, go to the bathroom, eat. I really thought, during this time, that this might be it. My body is giving up. I didn't have the energy to think or read or research. I stopped taking everything! Listening to my inner voice, my body needs to recoup, catch up. By the time I got to my next dr. appt. I was able to walk around a little, get dressed but this all really wore me out. I discussed all this with the doc. She thinks perhaps I've had this lyme bug a long time and the reinfection set things awry. It's totally possible and would explain past bizarre things. My migraines with aura's, mitral valve prolapse, floaters to name a few. So she says we're going to herbal. This is excellent news because I was going to request it any way. Enough with killing the good and bad. My body can't handle it right now. Well, she gave me something called cortisol manager. i said this is for energy right? The next morning I took 1/4 pill and it drugged me out bad. Thought I'd try it again and the following day it totally crashed me out. Back in bed for three days. I did find the energy to research and read. I sent my husband down to the health co-op for rhodiola and siberian ginseng. My instincts are saying my adrenals are overworked and taxed to the max. It explains the extreme anxiety and then crashing. I've been doing these twice a day (8 drops each) and have noticed an excellent improvement! Also the dr. gave me neuro anti tox and this helped immensely with the head pressure/buzzing and headaches. For about a week an a half I let my body recover. I felt better each day. So now I'm starting on the A-BART and A-Lyme. She said 1-10 drops 2x day. Well knowing me, I started with 1 drop. Sure enough, it was hard. So I'm doing 1 drop every other day until it seems manageable. I've learned what a healing crisis is and I now know that my body can't overcome this disease if it's so weak from being put into one after another. I am taking daily walks and trying to excersize! This is amazing improvement! I am excited but know I must be patient. There are still a lot of mountains to climb. I've also researched the mthfr gene mutation. I beleive this is why I get so sick and herx so bad. My body feels like poison and I beleive it can't detox it out fast enough. I actually found a specialist dealing with this so am very excited for my appointment. If I can get my detox pathways funtioning good then maybe I can get up to enough medicine to really do some damage to these bugs. Been talking to God a lot lately. This has been of some importance during these hard times. There are a lot of things we must learn. To take the time and listen...Where ever my path takes me, God is by my side and someday everything will be ok.